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4th-Dec-2009 11:52 am(no subject)
Im no longer what i used to be.
im renewed.

i no longer have no hope. but have A hope.
jesus. he pulled me through. i now look to him always.
i still slip into that dark place now and then, sometimes to much.
but i have a light beckoning me to keep walking.

those old, letters, poems, lyrics.
disgust me.
how bitter and lonely, blind i was .
i want to throw them away.
but i want people to understand..
im NOT perfect. i went down those roads.
and there IS hope.
outside of ourselves we can be healed.
only through this hope.

all those superficial coping methods, were useless, meaningless.
we tried to kill the pain but only brought more.
its true. is it not, or do i lie?

it was not an easy process. giving up what i knew best.
i will always have the temptation.
i have been through hard trials since giving up.
i have lost best friends.
been accused of lies.
had my heart broken once again..
but it is possible to move forward. in CHirst. my Lord
he has been my help, my safe guard, and sometimes feels like my only friend.

i have forgiven. and been forgiven.

4th-Dec-2009 11:37 am - righteousness

chorus: We climb up. we fal down
trying to reach the top of the mountain
sliding. slipping. falling.
never moving forward

the fall isnt what you look back on, its the getting up
your not going to reach perfection
the progress is what makes you strong
its simple, not temperate, not effortless, nor easy

one step at a time. no harm in going slow
two steps backward. never reaching the goal.
no one cheering you on
roots tripping your feet

loose rocks slip beneathe your knees
rolling backwards. missing the trees
missing the life you could enjoy
if you just thrived for that goal

one messed mind. two unsure feet.
only leading to destruction
who is that hope the speack of?
never reaching the breaking point

one book to guide you
friends praying.
three nails. one cross. forgetting what is behind
new life ahead. its normal to fall
but its the getting up that matters
4th-Dec-2009 11:28 am - Shine

this was her one moment to shine
lights flashing, spotlight following her every move
her one moment to be noticed
peaking behind the purple curtians, she sees a couple of her friends and her mom.
tears block her vision
no one showed up
lights go out
clicks of cameras stop
music fades
friends that showed up wallow in the back ground
her moment to shine
and no one held her hand
circle of friends decay
like forgotten trees
relationships weaken
she looks down as her satin dress is stained by
black drops coming down from the sky. burning the fabric like acid..
4th-Dec-2009 11:22 am - Stuck
Dont know why im here
I guess i will find out one day
right now it just feels like im a waste of space
taking up peoples time
everyone keeps moving on with thier perfect little lies.
and here i sit in this pit
crying myself to sleep
mud drying to my skin. blood stainging my clothes. tears run down my face
and everyone keeps moving on with thier perfect little lives.
so how can i run. from something haunting me
this life is simply a disaster
plans fading away as i sink deeper in this pit waiting for someone to pull me out
but everyone keeps moving on with thier perfect little lives
5th-Mar-2009 02:02 pm - Scream.
Before she cries.
She want to Scream out loud.
you can hear her now.
hearing her hurt as she cries.
nothing can stop her now.
as her throat peirces in pain.
the sound it makes is intolerable.
She wants to stop falling and hit the bottom already.
it been so long since shes stood up straight.
As she screams. people around her stare.
surprised and worried.
they try to comfort her.
to keep her occupied.
taking away things that they thought unnessary,
things that quieted her scream.
now its more percing than ever before.
As they cast thier anxious glances on her.
She feels pressured to shoot you a phony smile.
to allow you to believe the lie shes okay.
The scream is about to rip her throat in pieces.
ready to explode.
12th-Jan-2009 03:48 pm - Faith. is a miracle

Faith is a miracle.
I need you Jesus, to make me clean.
to heal my scars.
to dry my tears
and embrace my broken heart.
only your divine spirit can heal me.
to make me want you.
to embrace the peace you cou
ld give my heart.
I need you to fill my  hollow faith and make it content.
I need you to tenderly guide me and direct me to your light.
I need to understand and grasp your truth.
Your body was broken,
you shed you blood for me.
so i can believe.
you promised me love.
to make me clean again.
God i want to recieve you promises.
I want my little seed of faith to grow and give poeple hope.
hope that poeple like me can love again.
to give them hope in you.
I am pure in your sight.
because for some amazing reason you died for me.
Teach me to focus on you.
Be my focal point.
help me ignore my depresing hurtfull memories..
i want to trust you.
trust that you will pull me from this bloody pit.
I was dead. full of blood and dirt.
but you cleaned me.
you made me alive by a single breath.
In you, Lord jessus. you are our only hope for salvation.
help me depend fully on you.
God you are my miracle.
12th-Jan-2009 10:58 am - Unexpected and unpredictable.
Unexpected and unpredictable.
I am fine. I am fine.
No your not.
your slipping trough the cracks.
everything is slowly tuning blac
wishing to go back and change everything in the past.
everything told. lost. and broken.
you need help to get through.
you refuse.
scared and ashamed of what could take place.
unexpected and unpredictable.
life seems to keep on changing.
never one thing the same.
changing so fast.
desperate words are spoken.
advice is clearly given.
you are scared.
life. unexpected and unpredicted.
12th-Jan-2009 10:54 am - How Long.
How long.
Does this torture last a lifetime.
will these nightmares haunt me forever.
This pain. will it always replce true happiness.
guilt. will it remain.
this endless torture is ruining me.
I held myself together so long.
that my strength is fading,
I am falling apart.
How long till i see light again,
without these toturing moments blocking it,
12th-Jan-2009 10:49 am - Imperfect.

I am sorry i am not perfect.
I am sorry i am broken.
I am sorry i dont try anymore.
I am sorry i am sick of loving someone ho expects everything from me.
You want me to be perfect and loving
but you yourself hurt me evryday,
with you stabing words.
words that make my imperfect heart stronger.
stonger. to stand up.
to stand up and be imperfect.

12th-Jan-2009 10:41 am - Keeps falling.
Keeps Falling.

The snow keeps falling around her.
she sits in the snowbank.
clothes almost soaked through.
cold and alone.
her eyes sting and her cheeks are dry from the peircing wind.
whisps of curls fall in front of her sad eyes,
red tears paint the pure snow.
making reminders of her pain,
she criesout in agony but no one hears her,
cold and alone.
she wants help.
she needs help.
but is terrified to ask.
afriad they wont understand her pain.
the snow keeps falling.
burrying her deeper into depression.

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